The best way not to get pregnant is to practice abstinence, and nothing will help you be abstinent more than than the 15 worst sex tips of all time.

Cosmo offers several gems:

Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.

Because if you are a guy sneezing in the middle of intercourse, there is no chance that you will fall out, inadvertently head-butt your partner, or  shower her with spit and snot.  All great ways to make sure the act is over upon sneezing–no ejaculating=extremely low risk of pregnancy. In rare cases, pregnancy can occur without ejaculation–see “How Effective is Withdrawal“–but never fear–if you are plying your partner with pre-ejaculatory pepper, you aren’t likely to get more sex any time soon.

Here’s another:

Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.

There’s no way that could go wrong.  Nope.  Because as soon as you pull out a fork, anyone with any sense whatsoever will run fleeing from you for all time, guaranteeing you will not get pregnant.  Then to satisfy your sexual urges, you can poke yourself with the fork, which has absolutely no chance of leading to pregnancy.

As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.

If you cause premature deafness, he’ll never answer your calls, so that will help.  Also, his elongated earlobes may serve as a turnoff.  But overall, ripped and bleeding ears are a big turn off for all but the most extreme fetishists, so once you try that trick, abstinence should be no problem while you search for your probably non-existent BDSM ear-ripping bottom.

Obviously if you get pregnant and go through with it, you are likely to start reading Good Housekeeping instead of Cosmo, so Cosmo has good reason to keep you looking for that man who will let you assault him with pepper, forks, and earlobe elongation.  You’ll never find him and will have to find new sex tips, which they will happily sell you in the checkout line as you buy cat food at the SuperGiant.

Go read the whole list. You might want to pee first.

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